"Your quality of your life will be dictated by the quality of your closest relationships."

You already know this, right? If you've ever paid any attention to your mind, you will notice it's mostly having conversations with other people (past and future). When there is stress in a relationship, it is exhausting because we are social creatures that depend on others for many of our physical and emotional needs. Relational Stress is created when our needs don't get met. Needs may include physical touch, emotional attunement, validation, listening, empathy, and reassuring body language. Our brains also use A TON of energy as we spin stories in our heads, attempt to regulate our emotions, and anxiously try to figure out how to fix it. I know it's possible to "get by" without your needs getting met but, the needs are still there and they aren't going away. If you don't know how to deal with your relational stress you will find yourself using "misery stabilizers". Some of the common methods are substances, porn, outside relationships, overworking, social media, raging, oversleeping, gossiping, gambling, scrupulosity, controlling behavior, complaining, thrill seeking, etc. These will eventually leave you feeling flat, depressed, anxious, and out of alignment with yourself. Now, let's talk about the model I created for Relational Development...

This model may look familiar because it is was inspired by Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. My goal was to develop a model for relationships. Couple's come in to see me because they are either lacking psychological safety and/or they want to move beyond Friendship and into Intimacy. Individuals come in to see me when their partner isn't willing to show up, if they are deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship, or they are looking to build a new relationship on solid footing. If clients are experiencing physical safety issues, I usually refer them to someone who specializes in domestic abuse.

You can use this diagram to assess where you are in any of your relationships. I would suggest looking at the people closest to you, first, because those are the relationships that matter the most. I do a more in-depth assessment in sessions but, I'm just going to give you a few questions to reflect on.

Assessing your Psychological Needs

If you share how you feel about things, are you afraid that your partner will shut down or blow up on you?
Have you experienced any major emotional ruptures (affairs, lying, name calling, manipulation)?
Do you generally feel tense around your partner?

If you answered "yes" to one of these, there are probably some psychological safety needs that are not being met. You will have to learn ways to both hold your ground and build a sense of security within yourself. I have tools for that. If your partner joins, we will need to address their behavior and they will need to learn new communication skills. They may also have some needs that are not being met by you so we will confront that in a collaborative way.

Assessing your Friendship Needs

Do you struggle to feel good about planning and doing things together?
Do you tend to avoid difficult conversations in order to "keep the peace"?
Do you feel anger, frustration, or judgment coming from your partner or going out towards your partner?

If you answered "yes" to any of these, you will need to do some work on your friendship. The friendship layer is about love, care, and "liking" each other. Traditional Relationships usually stop here and it's not a bad place to be. Many people feel comfortable here because there is an ease to the partnership and you are able to manage your life together without much conflict. However, it is also common to want more connection at this phase and this comes from our natural desire to feel closer and more "seen" in all that we are.

Assessing your Intimacy Needs

Do you find yourself wanting deeper connection in the relationship?
Do you perceive that negative emotions such as anger, shame, and guilt are not welcome or remain unexplored?
Do you feel like you two aren't living into your full potential as a couple and just focused on "getting by"?

If you answered "yes" to any of these, you may be caught in the promise of the Traditional Relationship. The promise is that, if we sacrifice our needs in service of others, we will be good people and that will be a good life. Sound familiar? Many of us are taught that relationship is about giving up parts of ourselves in service of the other. I say "fuck that". How about we both show up as fully as we can, bring all of your needs to the table, and trust that we can do more together than we ever could alone. This is an Advanced Relationship.

I don't want to give you the idea that this journey is linear and that you will reach some blissful end point. It's hard work and it involves leaning into conversations that are scary or uncomfortable. What I can say is that it is possible to embrace it and use it as a catalyst for more connection, more purpose, and more of what you want. Everyone's situation is going to look different. My journey is not your journey. If you can find a partner who is willing to sign up for this too, you have something special. More and more couples are waking up and growing their relationship beyond what their parents could.

This is just one part of what I do. There are plenty of exercises, tools, and mindsets that will facilitate relationship empowerment and development. It may look like growing your capacity to "be with" intense feelings, it may look like learning how to "read" your partner and attune to them, it may look like practicing speaking/ listening tools, or you may need to better understand the unhelpful strategies you use.

I will assess where you are, help you understand why you are there, and then coach you on how to show up in a way that is both relational and empowered. You are probably needing some more balance somewhere.

I work with both couples and individuals. You don't have to wait for your partner to start making changes. It takes 2 people to keep a pattern going but, only one to change it.